Week Six

Last week was hardddd. Pretty much just a repeat of the week before. Blah. But, amazingly I only gained back a little bit. Weigh-in was last Friday, and since then I've been back on the program. In the past, I'd let my epic failure of the previous couple weeks get me down. I'd totally buy into the propaganda playing in my head that I really am a loser, that I'm a big fat slob, that I can't even manage a diet and on and on. The couple weeks of yuck would be the end of my weight-loss efforts. Not this time, baby! I looked at the number on the scale and took a deep breath. Then let it out--and along with it, all the crap of the previous week. I stepped off the scale with a new conviction to do better. This week, I really want to remember the "How will I feel after I eat this?" thing. How I FEEL is key for me. It'll either be the death of me, or it'll be how I succeed. How I win.

11/15

186.2

+ .6

Week Five

Wow, well that puts it into perspective--when you write WEEK FOUR and have nothing to show for it.

This has been a rough, rough couple of weeks. There has been much emotional eating. As in, today lunch consisted of spoonfuls of peanut butter and sprinkles of chocolate chips. Seriously.

I got hungry, desperate for food, nothing was immediately available and then I just . . . gave in and gave up. *sigh*

I am not giving up. Not entirely. But today? And yesterday and for the past week and a half? Yeah, I guess I gave up.

I don't really know what my deal is. Why I stand in front of the fridge, the pantry, the whatever, and think, "I don't care. I want XYZ." Or, worse, when I think, something along the lines of "I suck. I already suck. And I'm going to keep sucking so why not just suck some more and eat this crap?"

I know how that sounds. It sounds like I don't like myself. Sometimes I really do think that's true. I know that very often (okay, pretty much all the time) I'm choosing and eating food that feels like a punishment. Like, "You are so lazy and fat and awful. Here, eat this giant Symphony bar because you're just a fat slob anyway."

When I choose an apple or something that I consider to be "less than appetizing" or "diet food" *gasp*, I feel like it's a punishment, too! Like, "Because you suck and are so fat and ugly, you don't get to have any good food. You have to eat this cardboard instead. And you have to eat it for the rest of your life!"

Which is followed immediately by me getting angry at myself and essentially saying that if I'm going to be unhappy the rest of my life eating that crap, I might as well eat the good-tasting crap.

Ugh.

My weigh-in last Friday wasn't too bad--I mean, I did log a loss, but this week will not be so forgiving. Because this week, coupled with last week, equals two weeks of pure yuck.

11/01

No Weight Logged

(Because I knew it would suck and I was in Punish-Me mode)

11/08

185.6

-.4

I guess I've been on this bad kick for longer than a week and a half. I guess it's been almost three weeks? :(

Week Three

I thought I'd been doing great, but I only logged a .2 lb loss. It's almost time for my next weigh-in and it's going to be bad. :(

10/29

186

-.2