Too long to even count . . .

Sometime around Thanksgiving I just gave up. I've been eating so poorly that this past week I had the longest-lasting gallbladder pain that I've had yet, including a 7-hour long attack that had me thinking serious thoughts about going to the hospital.

According to friends who've had their gallbladders out, and to much of what I've read online, if you've had symptoms and attacks like mine, you just plain have the gallbladder out. But my doctor seems to be dead-set against it. He just pushes a healthier diet and to lose weight.

I don't know what's the right approach, but I think eating healthier and losing weight could never be a bad thing.

The trick is, how to get there. Ha!

I know how to get there. I do. I just keep running back home before I've reached the end of the driveway. :P

So it might seem predictable and trite and like no "real" change happens because of January 1st, but I'm not going to try anything or even think about my fatness or whatever, until after the holidays. It would be like inviting a One Month Sober alcoholic to a wine-tasting party. I love food and treats. I love to bake at Christmastime and eat all the yummy goodies people bring to my house. If I were to quit cold turkey now--right when yummy things are arriving at my door daily--I'd either hate myself, hate everyone around me, or I'd eat it all and then hate myself some more.

So January 1 it is. See you then!

Week Six

Last week was hardddd. Pretty much just a repeat of the week before. Blah. But, amazingly I only gained back a little bit. Weigh-in was last Friday, and since then I've been back on the program. In the past, I'd let my epic failure of the previous couple weeks get me down. I'd totally buy into the propaganda playing in my head that I really am a loser, that I'm a big fat slob, that I can't even manage a diet and on and on. The couple weeks of yuck would be the end of my weight-loss efforts. Not this time, baby! I looked at the number on the scale and took a deep breath. Then let it out--and along with it, all the crap of the previous week. I stepped off the scale with a new conviction to do better. This week, I really want to remember the "How will I feel after I eat this?" thing. How I FEEL is key for me. It'll either be the death of me, or it'll be how I succeed. How I win.

11/15

186.2

+ .6

Week Five

Wow, well that puts it into perspective--when you write WEEK FOUR and have nothing to show for it.

This has been a rough, rough couple of weeks. There has been much emotional eating. As in, today lunch consisted of spoonfuls of peanut butter and sprinkles of chocolate chips. Seriously.

I got hungry, desperate for food, nothing was immediately available and then I just . . . gave in and gave up. *sigh*

I am not giving up. Not entirely. But today? And yesterday and for the past week and a half? Yeah, I guess I gave up.

I don't really know what my deal is. Why I stand in front of the fridge, the pantry, the whatever, and think, "I don't care. I want XYZ." Or, worse, when I think, something along the lines of "I suck. I already suck. And I'm going to keep sucking so why not just suck some more and eat this crap?"

I know how that sounds. It sounds like I don't like myself. Sometimes I really do think that's true. I know that very often (okay, pretty much all the time) I'm choosing and eating food that feels like a punishment. Like, "You are so lazy and fat and awful. Here, eat this giant Symphony bar because you're just a fat slob anyway."

When I choose an apple or something that I consider to be "less than appetizing" or "diet food" *gasp*, I feel like it's a punishment, too! Like, "Because you suck and are so fat and ugly, you don't get to have any good food. You have to eat this cardboard instead. And you have to eat it for the rest of your life!"

Which is followed immediately by me getting angry at myself and essentially saying that if I'm going to be unhappy the rest of my life eating that crap, I might as well eat the good-tasting crap.

Ugh.

My weigh-in last Friday wasn't too bad--I mean, I did log a loss, but this week will not be so forgiving. Because this week, coupled with last week, equals two weeks of pure yuck.

11/01

No Weight Logged

(Because I knew it would suck and I was in Punish-Me mode)

11/08

185.6

-.4

I guess I've been on this bad kick for longer than a week and a half. I guess it's been almost three weeks? :(

Week Three

I thought I'd been doing great, but I only logged a .2 lb loss. It's almost time for my next weigh-in and it's going to be bad. :(

10/29

186

-.2

Week Two

I can't tell you what a relief it was to log a loss! I had actually been trying, so it was wonderful to see that effort pay off.

I'm doing Weight Watchers (did I already tell you that?) and I managed to stay under my points allotment for the week. Yay for me!

Things that worked for me this week:

• sugar-free jello or pudding cup with redi whip (1 point)
• tootsie pops (1 point--good for avoiding a sugar low and/or keeping my mouth busy so I'm distracted from snacking)
• asking myself "How will I feel after I eat this?? That trick is from Lynn at Lynn's Weigh.

10/22

186.2

-2.6

Week One

I meant to post last Tuesday - weigh-in day - and give you an update. That first week was tough. Let me count the ways . . .

1. On Friday (before last), we had a neighborhood girls birthday lunch. We went to an Italian place and I tried (or thought of trying) to choose well. I got the soup and sandwich. I should have picked soup and salad. :P I did get the minestroni which was a good choice. But the sandwich? Later when I checked it's Weight Watchers points I was mortified. NOT a good choice.
2. Later that same night, my family and I went to another Italian restaurant to celebrate my husband's birthday. I pretty much "gave myself a pass" on my choices. (Which should pretty much give a clue as to how I ended up 60 pounds overweight! Too many passes!). I did, however, eat only half of the eggplant parmesan I got. Interesting point: The half eggplan parmesand (delicious) was the same number of points as the half sandwich I had at lunch. The pasta was much better, lol.
3. We had cheesecake for dessert. Ha!
4. Saturday my friend from out of town visited and we went out for breakfast. Again, I didn't even try to make a good choice. I just got what I wanted. Take that weight loss goals! Hello delicious cheesy, eggy, potatoes and bacon!
5. Saturday was my husband's actual birthday. We went to the movies (pizza! popcorn!) and then had chocolate cupcakes. Sheesh. 
6. I don't remember the rest of the week, but I'm pretty sure I just gave up. :(

Not surprising then, that my weight on Tuesday was . . .

188.8

Why I'm Here

I've tried to lose weight bunches of times. I've succeeded - a little bit - only to follow it up with gaining back all I had lost and then some. I'm 100% positive my story isn't unique. But what works for you out there and what works for me aren't the same. Anyway. I've recently asked my Facebook friends to be my buddies in the weight loss journey. And I've joined Weight Watchers online. But I saw this article about how blogging about their weight loss efforts helped eight bloggers lose - and keep off - a bunch of weight.

So that's why I'm here. For my sake - to chronicle my journey in hopes that if I can see forward progression, I'll stay on the path.

10/08/2013

5'2

45 years old

188 lbs